oh the places we’ll go

(This post was started Friday evening, a week ago. It picks up after the first couple of paragraphs as of today.)

Well damn.

I didn’t realize it had been six-and-a-half months since my last post. To be honest, the post just never came. There was never a moment where I had to escape my mind to put down my meandering thoughts onto this digital canvas. There was never a moment where I had to tell everyone every single thing. There was never a moment where I couldn’t turn to Killer to calm me down. Much like an antihistamine will cut through the fog of allergy symptoms when I run across some pecans, she just calms me down. Anyone who’s known me since high school will swear that I could use some calming down, and while the blog was that place, I’m not really stuck between different places anymore because of her influence. Hence, I apologize that I’ve walked away from my incessant posts about fighting depression and belittling my fellow millennial, but doesn’t it feel good to know that I’ve actually matured cognitively? The original purpose of this blog happened, whether SB2W helped or not, and I’m thankful for everything that got me along the way…because I couldn’t be happier.

So what is up? I’m sitting here packing up a small bag for the wedding of another one of my fraternity brothers tomorrow, and I just can’t help but smile about how far I’ve come since the previous wedding. Some 18 months have passed, and I can’t begin to describe the changes that have happened in my life. I’m actually waking up and going on with the day, and I’ve been working on keeping relationships as opposed to just letting them fall by the wayside when it’s convenient for me. Killer does a fantastic job of keeping me on point with that.

*~*~*~*

Here we are. Two weddings of my closest fraternity brothers have happened, and I thought some of us would be married before them. I’m so happy for both of them, but it’s still a shock to me. It’s a kick in my own rear end to get my ass off the desk chair where I’m playing Destiny and Rocket League. Hell, two days ago, I helped one of my oldest friends move into a new apartment for the first time. I grew up in that house, and now, it’s just another door slammed shut as I move forward.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lamenting the growing up. It’s just that the sudden and forced nature of it is a little much for me to take in at the moment. (That’s what she said.) Meanwhile, I’ve come to terms with my own impending need to leave the nest myself. I have a couple of options with where to go, but it’s definitely overwhelming. When you’re virtually told to leave the place you grew up, it’s a tough realization that the stuff you were trying to hold on to might have been keeping you back.

While life has been pretty good, I always knew something like that would happen. Having to look for my own place to live is a little terrifying, but I’ll figure it out. I’ve got people in my corner. I always keep trying. Who knows? My claim from last summer that I’ll end up anywhere will probably prove to be true. I never wanted to live in Atlanta forever, and this is the push off the cliff I needed. I said no safety nets, as that is when I do best, and it’s going to prove to be true.

Anyway, work is well. I’m doing pretty good for being a first-time car salesman. I’ll have to continue to do well, but I’ll make it. I figure things out, I always do. Killer knows that. Everyone does. I just have to take a deep breath and do it. Sorry for rambling! haha.

SO what else is new?

Hmmm.

This was easily the best summer of my life, and that includes the frantic job search for two months at the start. So much soccer and friends and Killer. I spent part of it in Texas, and I just can’t wait to get back there to where my heart and mind definitely are. To that end, I apologize for my incessant rambling on here. I’m all over the place in my thoughts lately, and it’s showing here too.

I’ll just get back out there and play some more golf. It’s been quite the fun, albeit insanely challenging, game to take my mind off things. I really just can’t wait to get out of here and begin again, no longer stuck between those two worlds. Shackles off, let’s go!

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

-G

Categories: exposition, my life, relationships, work | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

closing time redux

As I walk away from selling suits for a second time, I do so with a very heavy heart. I never thought I would be sentimental as I left a job that’s been my home for the better part of the last three years (for the second time), but I caught myself getting glassy-eyed. As I wiped my eyes, I called Killer for our usual phone call on the way home from work (it’s a fabulous routine that helps the long-distance not feel quite as long most days), she immediately heard my voice breaking. I didn’t know I was going to miss this or be so torn up about it. Part of me is just intensely scared to say goodbye that both defined me and was a home to me for the time since college.

I closed the store up, entered my code, and locked up the doors before walking out into that dreary and wet winter night. For some reason, the immortal words of the poet Dylan Thomas rang through my head: “Do not go gentle into that good night; Old age should burn and rave at close of day. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” I won’t lie to you all. The idea of this new job that is by NO means a guarantee. In fact, some have questioned my intensity and dedication…so it seems natural that I will not go gentle into that good night.

Since I’m in a very movie mood, I also couldn’t help but think about lines that I have always loved from Lord Tennyson’s Ulysses. Luckily, it was recited very well by Judi Dench in Skyfall. “We are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are. One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find, AND NOT TO YIELD.” I have to find that will inside to rise up and feel the fire burn within me one more time. We’ve seen what happens when I get riled up. We’ve seen what happens when the gauntlet gets thrown at my feet.

In essence, it is some death of a suit salesman. Say hello to a new man. One who has seen his dreams and goals finally within his grasp if he follows down a road laid before him. Currently, I’m finally feeling this inside me, but I still think I’ve said goodbye to another huge chapter in my life. So much happened to me as I sold suits to hundreds of people. I will never forget the place, but I sure as hell never want to go back. I left once before because my heart was torn apart and needed to heal and recharge. I leave again for a chance at a better life, just like before.

No matter what was said to me, I know the things I feel about helping with weddings and interviews will never leave me. Relationships matter. They always will. Money and things will come and go, but the strong relationships stay. I think that’s what was holding me back. Where has this confidence come from? I’ll take it though.

Wish me luck, peeps.

-G

Categories: exposition, my life, relationships, work | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

orange drank and cinnamon rolls

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a great celebration, wherever you were. I know I’ve made bold declarations in the past, me hoping for great resolutions when all I really want is to be happier. Well, at this point, I’m not sure how I could be happier! She’s perfect, and I’m finally growing up and acting like it. It’s weird what makes you realize you need to change your ways. I can tell you that staring into a pair of bright blue eyes over some orange juice and cinnamon rolls gave me the courage I needed to step up.

For 2015, I want to simply end the year with who I began it, and that’s more than enough for me. She and I have some incredible plans, and I’m willing to just tag along for the ride. When you’ve got someone in your life, you don’t let anyone else get in the way of that. I’ve made the mistake of critiquing a friend for that, and I know how wrong and hypocritical I am for that. I can say though that I know Killer wants to just have a fun year, so I’ll leave it at that.

From the two of us to you, Happy New Year!

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-G and E

Categories: exposition, goals and dreams, my life, relationships | Tags: , | 2 Comments

no longer stuck

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. I’ve been in Dallas since Christmas Day, and I can’t lie…it’s been absolutely perfect. I was a wee bit nervous before I came out here, because there was so much I was going to experience for the first time. Within a few minutes, I knew I never needed to be worried or anything. The anxiety ebbed and flowed as I met new people every few hours, but throughout it all, there was always a constant yet rapidly familiarizing presence on my arm. It’s been an absolutely perfect few days. Hell, it started with a Christmas gift exchange here that blew my mind at the thoughtfulness and work put into it.

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Seriously? This is perfect. Killer is even better in person than she is over the phone and everything, and to have gotten five full days of this!? AMAZING. If you look at what I’m holding in my hand and have been reading the blog for a few years, you know immediately what that is. Inca Kola is a regionally specific Coca-Cola product for Peru that I fell in love with while I was there. For Christmas, Killer surprised me with several bottles of that special drink she had shipped in. It just goes to show what kind of person she is when she did enough research just to figure out what would be the best thing to get for me. I got some soccer scarves (my obsessive hobby) and other fun things, but nothing came close to the Inca Kola. And by the way, it tastes just as good now as it did in the cold Peruvian winter four and a half years ago.

Anyway, being back in this state of mind has allowed me to do some serious meditating on my life and where I am at. Recently, I went back and apologized to someone I said very harsh things about for months. I should never have referred to him how I did. It was a terribly immature and childish action to take. As we reconcile, I hope the sincerity I show helps him realize I am changing my ways finally. In a way, my weird millennial blend of adulthood and immaturity were the two worlds I was stuck in. No matter where I go from here, meaning I have a lot of growing up still to do at the still young age of 24, I think for the first time…I’m no longer stuck between two worlds.

Whoa.

It’s a bit strange writing that, especially because it was super weird just to think about that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my life is perfect and I’m content to stay there, but I am saying that I wouldn’t mind continuing to mature in my current station. I like it here. I’ve got family and friends that care about me, as much as my mind wants to trick me and say it’s not real. For goodness sake, I’ve got Killer on my arm who won’t let me frown on threat of getting my butt kicked!

All levity aside, I mean all of this. I have no idea where I’m going. There’s always a variety of paths you can take. You come to that fork in the road on a daily basis. Some mean significantly more than others, but all I know is that I’ve got some clarity in my mind. I’ve made seriously bold claims in the past about knowing where I was headed and that everything was going to be okay. At this point, I don’t care if it ‘s going to be okay and I don’t care how long it’s going to go right. I’ve got an INCREDIBLE person at my side, and I know I’m more likely to be a pioneer on Mars than see her walk away willingly.

I’m not sure what will happen to this blog and the title, because I’m clearly moving past the point of needing this site to help process my emotions and thoughts. I’ve learned to process and compartmentalize and share. Don’t misunderstand me and say I’m just settling for life as is, because that’s not what this Eureka moment was about. This eureka moment just gave me the notion that I just didn’t care anymore. I am happy and ecstatic and overjoyed.

To be honest, that’s all that really matters after all. You all have a great Sunday, because I will. I’m going to continue to fully appreciate what this girl does for me. It’s not every day you meet someone that’s as easily excitable about the same sports as you, likes eggs sunny side up like you, and thinks the same way you do. I could go on for days about our similarities, like that we can use each other’s glasses to see because we have the same damn eyes, but I’ll be too sappy and give the audience diabetes. Bye y’all

-G

Categories: my life, relationships | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

an addendum

I hope you know that you’ve given me the courage to change. I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be, and that whispers behind your back don’t define you. You are the only one who gets to decide what you will be remembered for.” -Taylor Swift, foreword to 1989

It’s a great day for me. I got something I’ve wanted for a long time, and while it’s nothing exceptionally expensive or crazy, my parents got me a record player for Christmas. Since I’m working so much this holiday season as I prepare for a flight and vacation to Texas to see Killer, I made the executive decision that we would have Christmas early when we actually had time to spend in each other’s company. I opened the record player, and it didn’t really click at first. I plugged the thing in, and I put in one of the records I received with it…and that’s when it hit me. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. This overarching sense of calm and peace washed over me. I’m sure my mom got a photo of the smile on my face. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear it’s her favorite photo of me in years.

If playing some vinyl in a record player was so important to me, then why did I never strike up the nerve to purchase it for myself? Honestly, I think part of me couldn’t buy it. Part of me felt like that if I was buying a record player for myself, I was deeming my life at a good place and that everything was okay. Since I’ve learned far too well that I can’t make those calls anymore, I wouldn’t buy it for myself. I think I’ve been at conflict with myself for a such a long time, part of me was scared to say “everything is okay, see?” I needed that external validation that my life was doing okay. Yes, I’ve got parents that care about me. Yes, I’ve got a job. Yes, I’ve got an incredible group of friends and Killer girlfriend. BUT I didn’t want to just say everything was fine and dandy. Part of me refused to label life like that.

I had several theories as to why the record player made me silently cry happy tears. Part of it is back to simpler time before everything of the last few years. Those golden months after I graduated college in which the plan I had (which is still a bullshit plan, regardless) was going to be my life for a few years and get me on the right path. Part of it was daydreams I’ve had about listening to records with Killer and just soaking it all up. Part of it is just the certain song playing was randomly picked, because I just put the stylus down and let it go. In the end, it helped refresh me in a stretch of work that spans seven days and around eighty hours of actual work. It refocused me.

Broneal and I both suffer from a disease that has symptoms like lack of motivation and a clear apprehension from being in one place too long. I say that because the two of us have had to keep the other in check for years when it comes to staying focused on the task at hand. I have to say, I haven’t been able to with work lately. It’s been dragging me down some, and I have been moving forward as best I can. The record player allowed me to escape a little bit, and I know it will help with my sanity. I’m hearing these gentle whispers from other places to work (potentially) and trying to please every friend I have. I needed this. But in a weird twisted way, after asking for independence for years, I was resolved to being reliant on someone else to, for lack of a better term, appraise my life and determine whether I deserved this luxury that absolute magic for my soul.

So what does that lovely Taylor Swift quote have to do with it? Yes, I do enjoy her music quite a bit, for from a literary standpoint, I reading what other people write about their lives. I know she has help writing her songs from time to time, but much of her music isn’t much more than musical blog posts. I get a glimpse into someone’s life who’s only a month apart from me in age but in a far, far different place in life. My damn need for external validation, which is luckily dwindling as the months go by, has me continually evaluating who I am to the outside. I was reading through the assorted notes and lyrics of her new album when I spotted that foreword. This is the last paragraph, basically the last few sentences before her signature.

Photo Dec 21, 12 15 11 AM

I really don’t know why I needed to see another person write that. Maybe I’m just as much at fault for looking to celebrities for some guidance to my life, but those lines spoke to me again. It helped reaffirm my choices over the past few years to move forward as I can with peace in myself and my choices. I know who I am. We all undertake some revisionist history when we look back at our lives, and I have to admit I’m just as guilty as the next guy. I can tell you I was one of the more popular people in high school, but I know that you could ask some people and they hated me for the reasons I WAS popular. I can tell you I was well-known in college, but that neglects that I was really quite alone for parts of time there due to my own choice. I can tell you that I had a lot of friends and was associated with many different kinds of people throughout my life, but that carefully forgets I had very few close friends. I spent my life trying to please everyone and be the glue…when all I wanted was to just fit in.

Far too often, I used to let the minority opinion rule my actions. It’s been a nice change of pace to not let that affect me (as much). It was awesome to see this decision reaffirmed by someone who lives with negative press all the time as a celebrity and has their dirty laundry aired regularly. I feel for her and emphasize because of this. It’s crazy what a song or letter can do, isn’t it?

Ah, anyway, I feel incredible. Just four more days until Christmas. I can’t wait, can you? Please just listen to the great song I posted (the one I teared up listening to the vinyl) and enjoy your Sunday. You guys rock, you know?

-G

Categories: exposition, my life | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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