Drifting is truly the only verb I can use to describe how I’ve been living lately. It’s so perfect in its simplicity in relation to a gypsy lifestyle that I thought was unrealistic. I want experience and life and and a bunch of things I can turn back around and say “YES! THAT WAS AWESOME!!”
As for now, stuck in a job and lifestyle that does nothing but beat me down, I’m losing sight of who I was when I graduated from college a year ago. When I have customers (I work in retail) berate me for nothing more than I’m the closest and most accessible person they can take their troubles out on, I think it’s time to refocus why I’m there.
Why do I have a job? To pay for my car and expenses. Why do I have a car? To drive to school. Wait, what?
I’m not in grad school anymore. Hell, I don’t think I ever really wanted it anytime soon! I wanted to go live. I don’t necessarily have the money for it, but I know that I wanted a life I could be happy with. Honestly, wasting a year of my life in the prime of my life might have been the most idiotic thing I’ve ever let anyone talk me into. I’m glad I finally have a chance to right that wrong in my life.
I wanted to backpack across Europe and take stupid photos with every monument and eat a whole ton of food.
I wanted to head back to Peru and continue to build homes with people who truly deserved much better than the lot they had in life.
I wanted to get published, but I’m no nearer to that dream than I’ve ever been, beyond maybe knowing how. I delete everything I write, because I’m stuck in a place where I don’t think it’s good enough.
Am I good enough? That’s the quandary that plagues me.
I like what I do, but it’s not what I ever saw myself doing. I’m good at it, but I know there’s so much more out there for me.
Yes, I’m designed some awesome jerseys for the team I’m creating for my soccer league. Yes. I’m doing things to remember this place, but I want it to be a distant footnote.
I needed that push this evening, and I got it. The dominos start to fall now. And there no reason I should be stuck here.
Yes, it’s a couple years old, but it fits really my train of thought lately. All of the things happening to me are directly related to decisions I’ve made. I’m not trying for a pity party by any stretch, but I’m trying to take accountability for my choices. I try to not let regret fuel my life, but it’s dwelling on my mind. Really, it feels like every good thing that happens to me/for me is dwarfed by things that blow the candle out. I have made an utter rubbish of everything.
Yesterday, I hugged my sister for the first time that I can remember in months. I vaguely think she might have hugged me at graduation, but the gulf between us is as much my fault as hers. I cut off contact with her and wasn’t there for her. Now look where we are. I won’t get into too much about the current state because that’s not right when things change everyday. All I picture is that I could have maybe not let our relationship fall apart so heavily so that when I hugged her, it wasn’t so abnormal. I won’t lie, she was bawling and needed it, but I just couldn’t help but think that I did irrevocable damage to our relationship as adults. I remember pushing her away before, and I just can’t forgive myself for it. How do I accept that and grow?
Decisions I made to walk away from people when they needed me, but I was so selfish that life happened. I missed so much. I tried to live for me, and I regret it.
Sleep is hard to come by now, as I just have so much on my mind that I have basically become my own disease/affliction. (eh that was a stretch to tie the lyric in, haha). I push people away. I throw this all in the open, because then, no one can pretend anything. It’s all out there, and y’all can see it. Even the things beyond my control, they dwell on the conscience.
Like I said, it’s a roller coaster, life. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. At the moment, I can’t sleep much and I remember my stupidity. Nevertheless, I’ve done good things. It just takes much more effort to remember them and bring them to the forefront. I might be incredibly loud on the blog, but I’m very humble in real life. It takes a lot to make me say anything good about myself. I kid with an ego, for it isn’t really there.
Honestly, I’d be okay with being a writer that loves a good bottle scotch and just enjoys good company, or as someone so eloquently put it, an “alcoholic celibate writer.”
Have a good night/day people, I’m going to go back to work on something good for a change.
And thank you to everyone tonight.
I like to have this idea that my life is some grand orchestra that people would pay for a chance to witness the glory. I like to believe that one day, I’ll look back and be so happy with the characters I ran across as my epic takes me down my own river of life like Huck Finn did all those years ago. I get a bit disappointed when I see my recent picks as of late haven’t been as monumental as when I set out.
However, that’s when I realize, I neither need nor want the extravagance and significance that some people thrive off of. Yes, I’d absolutely love to and definitely will succeed in my goals on life. Honestly, I’m quite satisfied with my life. I’m happy that my life consists of late night runs to Taco Bell or Krystal with people I care about, midnight excursions to a rooftop to talk about life, an inability to always stay on my feet during any sports, raucous games of Slapshot Regatta or Settlers of Catan, flirtatious relationships that seem to disappear faster than a cherry blossom in the rain and heat of Macon, and those choices to stand out or blend in that make me who I am. I’m proud of those facts. For instance, I pulled down a poster for Modern Warfare 2 and put up the flag of my fraternity on my wall instead. I’m reminded of those principles I stand for, and why my life does consist of those events.
I’m thankful for the visits to a hookah bar with conversation that dramatically altered my life’s path. I’m thankful for time spent on a riverbank here or there remembering what really matters in life. I’m thankful for conversations that have happened laying in bed or lounging on a couch. I’m thankful for the time that has protected me and given me time to put myself back together again for the umpteenth time.
It’s been a very tough 2013, about as tough as 2010 started off. I don’t know if I ever expected this life journey to get easier, but I definitely expected that I would be able to handle some things much better. I still wear my emotions on my sleeve, but when I need to be, I’m so proud that I have become guarded. I’ve been listening to Donald Glover again recently (also known as Childish Gambino) and that quote from “That Power” continues to stick with me. This guarded quality helps because I share what I want and I put it out there for everyone. I mean everyone. I pick and choose what I seem like in a way. That seems devious and all, but I feel better than I have in a long time.
Picking up the pieces after letdown and heartbreak absolutely sucks, but you do get to fix stuff you don’t like. I find that I while I like what makes up my life, such as those games where I’m in the front row screaming my head off or those times when I stand up for me to those who call themselves friends, but not always how I react to it. So I look for new joys and look to include those I care about. I don’t want drastic life changes, but I want enough so that when Hutch says “you’re a good guy, if only you let people see it,” I actually believe her.
A year ago, Stuck Between Two Worlds started as a way to write while in grad school to not lose myself. Now, in year two, I find that SB2W is a way for my to rediscover myself amid the chasm of life and growing up. Before I go, I do want it known that I’m not trying to find someone immediately for the long haul, because I tried that…and it backfired heavily. I’m merely looking to continue living in the moment, which is what my life definitely focuses around now. No more planning, just doing, but moving forward with precaution.
Can you believe that just another year has passed in this thing we call life? I’m dumbfounded by the time that has passed and all that has happened since then. Stuck Between Two Worlds, a project that Brown Eyed Girl basically told me I had to do, began just under a year ago, and I have to say thank you for that. Her insistence that I stay open and somewhat transparent was something she pushed for. Despite us not being as close as we were then, I owe her so much. I might bitch so much on here, but let’s be real: I’m in a far better place with the SB2W blog than I would be if it wasn’t here.
Yeah, I’ve done some absolutely terrible things this past year. Yes, I’ve acted completely stupid for my age. Nevertheless, I’ve grown up and dealt with a lot more than I thought I would. I made decisions I would do over, but you know, that’s life, isn’t it? We always wonder what the other timelines would be if we made a different choice. It sounds a bit sad, but it’s human nature. What sets apart most is whether or not you can move past those dreams and live on in face of any demon that plagues your soul.
I said a few weeks ago that you all shouldn’t worry about my distant writing or my feelings of sadness, because I knew that good times were ahead. Honestly, I had to make a serious adjustment inside my own psyche in order to be happy, or get on that path. I had to stop living with undergrad as a present that I still had a part to play in and make the change to it being a part of my past that will help define me.
Truth be told, I have never been more relieved. While the wolf’s at the door for other parts of life, this illness that has plagued my life for months is something that has begun to clear up. Bookalook once told me that all I need to do is find a girl outside that undergrad circle and I’d be happy. Honestly, he was right. I pushed away some pretty awesome females in the past year because of choices I made to stay close to some who didn’t give the same affection. The same went for many friendships. I tried to hold on to some that were temporary, meant to serve someone for a particular end. While it broke my heart, it helps me see who’s real.
Some apologies are harder to write than others, and all are harder to say in person. I think it’s the mature thing to do in this, as I really should act mid-twenties and not my shoe size.
Alas, it is one year later. I am a college graduate and in the workforce. I was lucky to find a job so easily, and now, I’m drifting a bit. That’s alright, because that’s life. I think I’m much too young to be thinking anything too serious right now, and I’m glad I’m getting over the fairy tales.
One day, I’ll finish the novel. One day, I’ll look in the mirror and smile. One day, I’ll look to the passenger seat and be unable to do anything but smile.
Until then, I’ll live. It’s what I’ve done best, and it’s what I will keep doing.
First off, let me welcome everyone back to my life after a few week absence. I know some people are worried that I’m falling off a bit into depression or a Neverland-type mindset because these last few months were rough. I want to reassure all of you that I’ve been trying to live by the great Albus Dumbledore’s words:
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
I’ve been fumbling around with that light switch for some time now, dealing with immense heartbreak and shots to my dreams. I have quote before that you see what you’re really made of when the dark times happen, and I have to say, I’m enjoying the self-discovery. I’ve been a better friend to many people as a result, and I’m a much better son to my parents, instead of the needless rebelling I’ve been half-attempting for years. While this doesn’t solve my problems, it does put my soul at ease. After all, where you invest your love, you invest your life.
More than anything else, I am actually waking up every day and saying that I will make the most of the day now. I guess you can say the real turning point is just a few weeks ago. I went to a Hawks game with one of my good friends for his birthday. It was a night that saw me begin to turn the tide in the battle against loneliness and depression that I have been losing steadily for months. It’s been just eleven short months since graduation, but I think I lost the sense of who I was in this world. Seeing my plans change so much (which was for the better, because the things that I have been able to change are meant to set me back to rights) has shaken me to the core, and that is obvious from anyone reading this blog.
Nevertheless, after venturing downtown with someone I’ve had a tumultuous but good relationship over the years and another person I had never met, I had one of my best nights in a long time, and potentially, the best night since I moved back to Atlanta. Hawks and hookah and long conversations were had. I saw that I could live in a world with no real direction at the present. In fact, I could be happy without a plan. I could even find some…no let’s stop there before I get too out there.
Anyway, one of the major fears I’ve had is that I won’t be able to leave that good impact upon the world I’ve always desired. I feel like a wrecking ball more and more. I feel like I’ve failed as a big brother and a son. Without throwing all of my family’s issues into the world’s eyes, I feel more and more like the black sheep who became so because he didn’t keep up his end of the bargain. Many people say this situation isn’t my fault, but I will always feel guilt. Maybe, I could have done more in being there for my sister before she chose this worthless guy who’s tearing apart my family, but we’ll never know.
No matter the good things I get to experience and go through, the problems like that stay there and continue to drag me back down. The quarter life-crisis convinces me that I should be doing do much more, but I’m not sure what more is!
Someone said to me that I should stop trying to live for others so much, because this is where the bulk of my issues are. In the late hours of that night in Atlanta, I was told to take more charge of me and myself. Instead of always living to help others or put myself second, I needed to help myself for a change. I wasn’t being told to be selfish by any means, but I was being pleaded to stop being so humble and self-limiting. I could find happiness and still be the person I love being; I just needed to be there for me.
So boosted by his words and my own self-realization that I’ve been doing that to myself for years, I’ve tried to live. Now, it isn’t overnight that you get better or get over years of that. Much has to happen in order to change the path of something like that. I think I’m becoming the most mature I’ve ever been, and it’s scary. I feel like these past few months have been years in length. I’m spent emotionally, but I truck on. After all, I made my choices, which included getting work changed so I had the night in Atlanta, something that someone up above was telling me I needed to be a part of.
In between the clouds of hookah smoke billowing out of my mouth, I sat serenely as I understood on a transcendent level what it was like to be an adult in today’s world. A week and a half later, as I heard my favorite band play a song I had waited to hear for nearly two years live, I understood that I’m just 23, and there’s no reason I need to continue to demand a life story now. I claim to be Ted Mosby, but his actor Josh Radnor seems to be making films that also deal with wanderlust. That day was magical, and I had just took time for me. I began to see what it was like to accept the past as not baggage but merely a part of my tapestry.
I’ve talked the talk for so long, that it’s been about time I start walking the walk. Like I said once, trust that I’m going somewhere well. I finally have it in to me to say this and mean it. I struggled hard with my faith in these past few months, and I struggled specifically with what it meant to have faith in this world. How do I show it without coming off nuts or loony? People often jump to that, so how do I avoid that stereotype while just worrying about me?
These kinds of things aren’t going to worry me as much as they used to though. Now, I have other worries. Other things are my evenings now, while blogging gets shafted more than it should. After all, I’ve discovered that
Some nights are for friends and parties and girls. Some are for worrying about work and finances and resume-building. And some are for whiskey and starry nights and thinking about life. Tonight’s been the latter.
You all have a great Monday. I’ll be off work, hopefully hooping with some people and enjoying some soccer on the telly! Really though, this blog post is about half as long as I thought it was going to be, because flipping the script of how I’ve been living shouldn’t include an exhaustive list just yet. After all, in the words of someone five years my junior but light years wiser, “So many beautiful things can happen anytime!”