Six.

Tonight, I was driving home with my wife when it hit me. Tomorrow is six years.

That means the last time I spoke to my father was six years ago tonight. Words were raised in anger and frustration, and while I’ve spent time processing and moving forward, a small part of me will always wish that the final words had been softer. Nicer. Better.

Regardless, this put me in a very introspective and “gushy” mood. You know, I’ve wanted to return to words and blogging and all of that, but I’ve never felt like it was the right time or place. Even now, the writer’s block punches my brain and gut with the force of a million fists. Before you get farther, just know that this is word vomit and gets a bit all over the place.

Back in July 2017, my life took an unexpected turn, and since then, everything has changed. It’s hard to believe how much I have grown and the experiences I have gained since then. It feels like a completely different life altogether.

Life.

When my father died, I think I can best describe that as a catalyst or trigger for a quarter life crisis that was raging. I was lost in a bad way, and while I’ve only truly recently discovered some of the truths or answers that would have make things simpler, that doesn’t discount just how much the death spurred me. In the midst of this darkness, seeds of personal growth can be sown and were sown.

I finally wised up and proposed. We’ve been married about four years now, and I couldn’t be happier. In addition to the love and support that my spouse provides, I’m grateful for the little things that make our relationship special. From the inside jokes that only we understand to the shared adventures we embark on, there’s never a dull moment with them by my side. Our home is filled with laughter, warmth, and a deep sense of companionship. Together, we create a harmonious space that nourishes our souls and strengthens our bond. We’ve also learned the art of compromise, understanding that no relationship is perfect but that with love and open communication, we can overcome any obstacle. Our love story is one of growth, resilience, and unwavering commitment. I wouldn’t have figured this out either without the wake up call almost six years ago.

I changed careers and truly stuck to it. The decision I made in the months before his death ended up being for the best, and while there are some rough days, growing from loss is a transformative journey that tests one’s resilience and inner strength. I show that in my career, as I fought for every single chance I had and have.

I remember that I went on a long road trip in the year directly after the events of July 2017. I couldn’t be there a year later. I made it though. Every step I take, every lesson I learn, I can’t help but wonder if you would be proud. The choices I make, the challenges I face – they are all influenced by the hope of earning your approval. It’s a constant drive to prove myself, to show the world that I am capable of great things. Even though you may not be here to witness my accomplishments, I carry your memory with me, finding strength in the belief that you are watching over me. So, with each milestone achieved, I silently ask myself, ‘Would you be proud, Dad?’ And in that moment, I feel a sense of pride knowing that I’ve done my best to honor your legacy.

I know that In The Heights has nothing to do with my story or struggle, but I really can’t help but think of my father during Paciencia y Fe.

“And ay Mamá, what do you do when
Your dreams come true? (And ay Mamá)
I’ve spent my life inheriting dreams from you”

I finally started living my life away from the thumb and the push that they put me on. Shit, this year even, I now know that so much could have been so different. How do you react when you realize that you probably inherited ASD from a parent and no one ever caught his? How would it be different? Twice exceptional could have made it a very different life.

It’s also really shocking in a way that my life is finally coming together in a way that would be absolutely unbelievable and shocking to me a decade ago. Catalysts are important for biological processes. No one said that everyone’s catalysts would be the same or come without significant strife.

I bid you all good night, who knows when I post here again, but I promise you, I haven’t given up and won’t ever do so. To do this would be a disservice to anyone and everyone.

See you on the flippity flip.

-G